Perspective
The other day, I had no patience left. I was upset. I was irritable. I was tired. Just utterly, bone tired. Completely and horribly tired. I yelled at my kids, I was rude to my husband, I think I may have even been angry towards the UPS man {unheard of}.
Then I realized… I am tired because of ME.
Me staying up too late to finish a project.
Me staying up too late to answer emails.
Me staying up too late worrying about unfinished orders.
Me staying up too late trying to find time to myself.
ME.
I am my own worst enemy.
I take it out on the people that mean the world to me.
My husband, my kids, my family, my friends.
I take on all of these commitments and I love them all, but I can’t do it all anymore. No one can. No one can possibly sustain this type of lifestyle without something faltering and I will be the first one to admit that I am faltering. My life needs a change.
I am not used to admitting defeat, but yet, here I am.
I am admitting defeat. Full-on defeat.
Don’t worry, this isn’t a sad post. I promise {that is not how I roll}
This is simply to remind all of us, especially mothers, how important it is to realize that we can’t do it all. We wish we could, but we can’t. No one can. I don’t care how awesome you are or how many Pinterest-Worthy items you have created. No one can be perfect, nor should we strive for that.
I am here to tell you that I found some perspective the other day.
My kids reached out to me and said “Mommy, can you put your laptop down and play with us instead?” They looked at me with their eyes ready for disappointment. I paused. I would regularly say “Hang on” or “Give me a minute” or “Sorry guys, but Mommy has so much to do”. However, in that moment, I was staring at a 3 year old girl and a 5 year old boy, both eager for their Mommy’s attention. I slammed down my stupid stupid stupid laptop and hugged them. I hugged them so hard. Harder than ever. Ainsley said “I love you so much, Mommy.” I can tell you right now… I have never felt so loved and so happy, but I also felt terrible. Terrible that they weren’t expecting me to do that. Terrible that they were surprised. Terrible that I have let this go for so long. My kids were surprised that I stopped to hug them. How could I have allowed this to happen?
For over 5 years, I have been trying to reach some personal goals and I have reached those goals…. I have more than reached them, I have exceeded my own expectations. Now, it is time to stop and think, reflect, and reconsider. It is now time to be with my family, be with my friends, and also take care of myself. I really really need to take care of myself. Really.
People have told me from the time my kids were babies “Treasure this time because before you know it, they will be old and no longer want to hang out with you”. One day, my adorable 3 year old and my awesome 5 year old will be teenagers and I will be begging for mercy. I dread the day my daughter tells me she is dating. I will be sad the day my son goes away to college.
The best part for me? They are still little. They are here and they are only 3 and 5. I have all the time in the world to be Mommy to them…I want to make it the best it can be. I can’t lose that.
Perspective.
